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Posted on Saturday, October 29 - 2005

What a spoiler Tuesday night's Prime documentary Search for the Loch Ness Monster was as it ruthlessly and conclusively proved that there is no such animal as the Loch Ness monster. Armed with thousands of dollars worth of sonar and photographic equipment, not to mention numerous asides from naturalists and paleontologists, the Scottish lake was scrupulously combed to see if old Lochie or any of her cohorts could be lurking in underwater caves. Hosted by a chirpy young chap called Steve Leonard, this Doubting Thomas slagged off the largest body of fresh water in Europe referring to it as one of the most lifeless bodies of water in the world. People who had sworn black and blue, pink and green thatthey have seen the beast put in appearances and were made to look more than a little dim as we were shown how the mind can sometimes play tricks on itself.

In a mean ruse Steve lurked in the bushes of the lake and waited for a bus-load of unsuspecting tourists to disgorge from their coach to take snaps of the infamous body of water. This was the cue for Steve to tug on a piece of rope making a thin log jut out of the water and it was all on. The tourists started to point and gesticulate like mad Italians thinking they had struck Lochie only to be told to smile, you're on candid camera, as it was only a piece of four by two. But not before being asked to draw what they thought they had seen and then have their homework scathingly marked by the mean-spirited spoilsport. Later Steve obliged the female and gayviewer by taking off his top to show us his gym muscles before plunging into the freezing lake to convey how many minutes the hunky human could survive in the chilly loch. To warm himself up he took a trip to the sunburned country to observe that greatest of reptilian survivors, the Australian crocodile. Thousands of air points later Steve was winging his way back to Scotland trying to put one over the terminally bored crew charged with the tedious task of comprehensively investigating every last cubic inch of water for the illusive Jurassic.

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